Quotes from the Queendom

So I just bought 7 yards of discounted fabric for the base part of my dress at Joanne's Fabrics. It’s grey [or silver] satin with quarter sized black velvet dots all over. Daniel goes, “It’s not very um, Marie Antoinettish.” I’m like, “I had big skottish plaid in my hands before I found this”.
I’m not exactly a baroque period purist.

M: A disco ball! I don't have one. I think I'll get it.

A: Yes, you do. You just forgot where you put it.

so i changed my daughter's cell phone voicemail password. she must be going nuts.

10 ways to fuck with your kid until she quits fucking with you.

written by annie owens, available now at amazon.com

a: when's my period gonna start? i usually only have 1 pms cry jag beforehand and i've had 3 so far this past 2 weeks. my boobs get slightly bigger tho so i can go from a pinky sized bandaid to say, a knee sized band aid. each month for about 2 weeks.

M:lovely, isn't it? when we're 75 we'll be PMS free. imagine the possibilites.

a: yes, beards and finger hair. i can't wait

she made a hat out of aluminum foil with two horns sticking out at the top and wore it with this red sequined baton costume she wears as a jacket sometimes and a white crynoline and her long red soccer shorts under with my black crunchy knee highs and chuck taylors...and striped socks and arms.

i told her take the aluminum foil hat off at the first sign of lightning.

i'd like to say something sweet but I'm not sweet so i'll say this: cheetoes are theeEEe best snack food on the planet.

1. because they're so tasty

2. because they color my teeth, tongue and lips that attractive shade of neon orange, especially when headed into a meeting with a bunch of engineering acadamia-nuts.

i have a strange life. not because of the snackfoods and meetings, but because of everything else. i like it most of the time.

I'm alergic to unripened banannas. my hair's been cut too short. scott's been activated, outta hear for 1 year starting feb.,4.

daniel rocks my friggin' world. my kid's cute. mandy's cute. daisies are cute. jill's funny (but isn't trying to be) when will you install the trapeezes? does ikea carry those and in any other color than blanched wood tone? you and anna both refer to your domiciles as "gyms" or "gymnasiums". rude people can fuck, the hell, off. scott's been activated for a year, did i say that? a closing note: rude people can fuck, the hell, off. i'd like to break some necks now.

is this a psychological analysis? mandy, can you give me some more whiskey?

M: don't SAY "DANISH"!!!!!!!!!!!

A: DAY-NISH! Why not?

M: It reminds me of "kleenex," "moist" and "amazing. "Just quit it.

A: Oh my god, why are you such a freak?

M: I took freak lessons from your ass and got an A.

A: My ass also teaches beginning "freakishness 101" as a prerequisite. You however, have already graduated from nutbar university as valedictorian of your class.

yesterday my kid goes "nicole's mom saw Lane - this dorky kid who's on probation and likes Candace - in the grocery store yesterday in camouflage pants and ladies pointy high heels.

"I'm like, "how old is he?"

"oh he's almost 15...he rides a bike."

A: the more time i spend alone in a semi public place the more i realize just how odd i really am.

M: I know. We're fucking freaks. But me? I look pretty normal. You, with your extraordinary looks, kind of blend too. Imagine if our heads were shaved?

A: don't make me shoot pepsi out my nose girl! as far as looks maching the oddness...it's the norm., looking folks who are the real freaks. let us rejoice. i'm forgetting how to speak to people.

Yesterday a clumsy series of attempted tries at making myself useful among the two small and fragile pillars of strength and loyalty all the while trying to achieve that same reassuring smile. Where did they get it and how can I get one? If I got one, would it be the real thing? If I could buy a smile in a store of smiles I wonder what it would cost me and if I could use my "Excellent Effort" token for a discount since I must have lost my good driver discount. Would I get credit for being a good person as opposed to being a nice person? Would a store bought smile equip me with the strength of Underdog to withstand whatever came my way? Or would that make me peak too soon and crash at ground zero, even before lift off, at the speed of light—or the speed of sound? Which is faster? Hitting the ground at the speed of light before ever leaving the ground? Wouldn't that be the same as standing in place? Maybe they'd throw in those Wonder Woman cuffs, you know, for deflecting.

I just came in from lying on the grass and am now enjoying the visual display of sun-spots.

If one traveled at the speed of sound without being encapsulated in a spaceship one's face would peel off. I'll be having rice pilaf for dinner tonight.

did you get a load of any of the dialogue that was flying around yesterday when we were moving you? re: the futon, "no i don't think it's gonna be a taco, more like a chalupa". people say the most fucked up shit when they're carrying heavy furniture.

stop it y'all are killin' me. what are you two, the wonder twin aliens with hyper sonic cerebral cortexes that are attached by microwave?

anna says i need some oxygen. probably but that makes me chuckle. she suggest we go to an oxygen bar which I'm sure is just dandy for some but it's just a tad too californIAY for me. i ain't sitting in some friggin' bar with a tube up my nose just chatting and having a water.